Watching the the palm trees sway in the calm breeze out of the window, I was reminded of Kauai. As I looked around the Tommy Bahama’s restaurant I got a sense of relaxation. It gave me a nostalgic feeling of being carefree that I felt every time I was in the Hawaiian paradise. Almost enthralled in the feeling, I almost forgot that I was far away from paradise, but instead in Las Vegas in 108 degree weather. As I continued to enjoy the chill mode, I sat and listened to my friend describe her unhappy marriage. Nodding in disbelief, I suddenly remembered that only two years ago I was in Hawaii for her wedding and now ironically she was talking about divorce. After hearing her story of how issues that existed in the beginning are now worse with no compromise from her husband, my mind came to a halt when she asked, “What do you think?”
I was caught off guard, but I started to try to give her a rational point of view. She had tried everything and had sacrificed her life for the past two years without any reciprocation. I told her to do whatever makes her happy and brings her out of her depression. Coming to realize that giving advice to a married woman can be detrimental to the friendship, I gave her a disclaimer. I told her that I have experienced all aspects of life and hit rock bottom many times, so to me happiness is key and following my heart and soul is important. Despite all of my issues especially physically, I awake every morning excited about what the day will bring. I feel a sense of happiness in my life, despite the pain and fatigue, because life always throws unexpected turns. Even though I did yearn for a partner I did not regret any past love decisions, so if she was going to make a decision such as divorce she had to do what was in the best interest of her and forgiver herself along the way.
I was somewhat humbled that she would want my opinion, but she did want a rational opinion, so I tried to giver her one. She was torn between two paths and sometimes that feeling is horrible, because choosing a path is part of the process, so sometimes tearing yourself from bad habits which could be relationships can be difficult. "But I fucken love him!" Well in the aspect of love I feel that your partner should bring out the best in you, not pain and sorrow. It is in these cases that I find it hard to understand why people torture themselves. For a Lupi like me feeling physical pain is tormenting enough, so the simplicity of saying no to negative relationships comes a little easier, yet life is not always cut and dry so sometimes saying no isn't an easy act to do and I know that first hand as well.
In an effort to bring my ideas into perspective, I started to tell her about one my lost loves. A good guy, but on a quest to pursue his dream and find himself. Even though he wanted to have me as his wife he was not willing to include me in his dream or life plans. I loved him still, but I did not want to come in the way of any one's dream. When someone is trying to find himself they need their space, so as much as this guy wanted me there, I felt it was enabling, especially since I had to sacrifice my life to follow him as he pursued his dream. Besides these flaws he of course could not communicate so following a mute is definitely not something I envision for myself. At 30 and as a learned person I had to bid him farewell as he began his journey even though it caused heartache.
As the memories of lost loves started to come to the surface, I remembered the most recent lost love. Although I really liked him because he was a good guy with great qualities, his selfishness was definitely a turn-off. I was attracted to his eccentricity and intelligence, but his anti-social behavior and his love for the Maryjane left no room for me. His reluctance to compromise was something I had no interest in dealing with. It is bad enough that I have issues, I have to compromise with in my body, that dealing with someone that refuses to let his guard down and let me into his heart is definitely a battle I refuse to fight. Even though I was a bit torn, I had to just say no.
In the end the facts are that finding someone is not difficult, but finding that person that will let you into their heart and include you in all aspects of his life is key. For my friend even though she was married, her life was parallel to her husband's with no middle ground. He was not interested in participating in any activities that included her tastes or passions and she was not happy. I was saddened since I was there when they vowed to each other, but I think she was carrying the marriage on her own and that burden is much to bear. I believe that it is okay to say no to situations that bring out the worst in you no matter what they are. I believe life is great and blissful with so much to offer. We must do the most we can with what we are given because when life is over there aren't any do-overs.
