Love Everlasting

An ailing husband with lung cancer that has mestisized throughout his entire body lays in bed coughing as if his entire insides are going to be expunged. At his bedside his wife, which not only takes care of him, but also has to watch him die a slow miserable death. There were many happy times in their marriage, but before he got this bad, he made her promise that she would not let him loose his dignity. Now at his bedside, she remembered this after the coughing echoed in her head. She sadly started to inject him with morphine, until he overdosed and died. This was the scene from one of the recent episodes of "Mujeres Assesinas". Sadly, she was eventually accused of murder.

Earlier that day before I sat to watch this episode. I was discussing the similar situation with my friend. Her friend had just passed away from cancer, but her husband seemed like he had been waiting for it for weeks, so to outsiders he seemed insensitive about her death and relieved. But how does a husband or wife deal with their spouse dying? Having a chronic illness myself, it sometimes is hard to bring my problem into another person's life. I feel that they have to accept me as a package, because there will be moments where the road will get tough to deal with, but like most adults I would like to make an attempt to live a so called "normal" life, so I think that mutual love will make things easier and tolerable.

I learned this from watching my grandparents as a child. The last memories I have of my grandpa is of him paralyzed from the right side and my grandma taking care of his every need. Since the day he decided to court her to the day she had to help him shave they loved each other immensely. He was paralyzed for many years and when my grandpa eventually passed away, it was tough on my grandma, but I know she did the best she could for him. At 10 years old I actually understood this and I always admired the way my grandma spoke to him and handled him with care. Their love was of the old fashioned kind and my grandma was a very caring woman. 20 years later, my grandma lives without my grandpa, but I know that she has never forgotten their love.

This is the type of love that is everlasting, so that is why I take the institution of marriage very seriously, because it will get tested along the way. As a Lupus patient, I know that my life can be overwhelming because of my everyday issues and so I believe that my partner will have to have the same strength as I have, to deal with me everyday. This is much to ask from someone, but it is reality. Like the woman in Mujeres Assesinas, love will be tested in one form or the other. Yet, I can not judge her because I don't know how I will react when I'm put in that situation. So my Rundown is that sometimes before diving into marriage we need to take a step back and evaluate the whole picture, because it is a very important decision that will follow you for the rest of your life.

Mr. Nice Guy

As I walked into the hot steamy club at Nationals Sports Bar, I realized it had been awhile since I had been in this type of scene in the South Bay and I definitely felt under dressed, but then again not really. I was awed at how they converted this sports bar into a crazy 18 and over night club. I know this might sound pompous, but as I looked around the place it seemed a little ghetto and I knew this place was going to be a hilarious experience. Tailgating since 9am in the morning, now 11pm my legs and I were pooped and weak. I let my friend drag me here because it was her birthday and since she's a Mom she doesn't get out much, so I had to remind myself why I was here quite a few times. She wanted to come to this particular club because my her husband's friends and brother, "Mr. Nice guy", were going to be here. She previously had told me about Mr. Nice Guy and how it would be nice if we would hang out and it was then that I knew she was playing matchmaker. Sometimes married couples feel that two nice people should belong together and although it might be true, I believe that being a friend with someone and dating them are sometimes two very different things, and that's why I'm not too open to the matchmaking experience, but in this case since it was her birthday I didn't want to say anything just yet and tried having an open mind about the situation. Especially since I knew that they had definitely discussed me with him as well. At least the guy was cutesy and in his mid-thirties, but I later learned these were the only two good qualities.

Almost immediately, I was approached by a gangster type guy and so I went with the flow and let him "rap" to me so I wouldn't create an enemy so early in the night. I thought he was pretty hilarious and so I wouldn't hurt his feelings I took his number, but of course did not save it. The cherry on top came when he made the finger phone to his ear and mouth and told me to call him with a wink. I wanted to laugh so hard, because I had just met "the smooth operator".

When we finally found the husband's friends I noticed that they were lined up against a rail, watching the young girls dance, which is pretty typical at a club, but I was surprised when Mr. Nice Guy didn't approach me to say hello, especially since he wanted to "hang out with me and get to know me". I just smiled and said to myself "strike one". I would never want to hang out with someone that's not into me.

Since I would be driving myself home I decided not to drink but by this time I needed a drink really bad. I headed to the bar and bought my friend and I a drink. When we returned I finally said hello to Mr. Nice Guy. Afterwards my friend's husband and Mr. Nice Guy left to the bar and came back with three drinks. Apparently Mr. Nice Guy bought a round of drinks but forgot about me and the only reason I realized this was because he said, "Oh I forgot you were there..." I wanted to laugh so hard. Not only did he forget the girl that he was trying to hook up with, but then didn't have the common sense to keep that fact to himself. I knew then why this guy ended up with the wrong ladies and how he was definitely seeing the world through tunnel vision, "Strike two". The "idiot" type of guy is definitely not my type. The matchmaking experience didn't get any better, he then returned to the rail to watch the slutty dance of the young girls. I just chuckled inside, when some young girl started to freak him, while he just stood there on the rail. He didn't try to do small talk, ask me to dance, or even look my way, and well folks that would be "strike three".

The music at the club was not that great and I was asked to dance by someone in Mr. Nice Guy's group, since I was talking to my friend I told the guy, a.k.a. Sober, "maybe later". The then managed to pull me to the dance floor, in order to avoid further embarrassment I just danced. Sober, was clueless as to why I didn't want to dance with him, since he was not drunk or doesn't drink at all, he didn't understand why I was not interested in him. I was amazed at his feeling of entitlement that he was at an advantage to be liked and accepted because he didn't consume alcohol. I understood the logic in a club, but by no means does this give him the right to pull me by the arm and snatch my purse from the other. As much as a tough girl as I am I was a little freaked, because I had just met this guy.
I couldn't believe how clueless these Sober and Mr. Nice Guy were or was it that I'm used to hanging around places where guys aren't so aggressive and women don't have to beg for attention. Either way I reminded myself that I was here for my friend and took a deep breath.

Finally the end came and my friend was ready to leave. On our way out, Mr. Nice Guy gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I smiled nervously because I definitely didn't know where that came from. He then told me that he wanted to hang out with me and that I shouldn't be so quiet. I said "Yeah sure lets definitely hang out sometime..." At that point I knew that to go on a date with this guy would definitely be stooping really low. I rather go to dinner with myself. I don't know if he was an idiot or just not into me or both.

I always wondered why "Nice" guys ended up getting their hearts broken or why they were involved in bad relationships with bitches, but after meeting one of these "nice" guys and I now understand why they are either single or date the wrong women. Mr. Nice Guy might be an awesome nice guy, but when it comes to women he does not know how to play his cards right and if he ever wants to date a decent mature woman he will have to learn somehow, but lucky for him I've given up my teacher role.

My rundown is that married couples sometimes have a different perspective on life, because unlike us single people, they have found what they are looking for. Even though married couples have the best intentions in mind and they want others to find the same, sometimes two single nice people just don't belong together because they are just not each others type. I'm in my Thirties, so I pretty much know what I want and don't want in a relationship, because I've been there and done all of that, so I don't deal with BS. That could be the reason why I'm single, but I am determined to find true love. Some might call me a dreamer, but I know its out there and wasting my time with supposedly nice guys which are clueless about dating or pursuing women is not an option for me. Nice guys are great and awesome, but not all of them are datable.

Its Not That Complicated....

After hearing postive feedback from many of my friends, I finally decided to watch "Its Complicated". I was leery due to the fact that I knew it had to do about cheating spouses. But I was surprised at how hilarious it was, yet unlike most of my friends I loved the ending. I related to Meryl Streep's character, Jane, on so many levels. She went from "Dream girl to Doormat to Dream girl" and didn't even know it.

Dream girl, because her husband saw her that way when they got married, then doormat because that's when her husband started taking advantage of her and cheating on her. And then Dream girl again, because it was at that pivotal moment when her husband saw her in a new light, like when they had first met. But the lesson here is that she never changed, she always was that hardworking, smart, edgy, classy dream girl, except she only changed in her husband's eyes, when he lost faith in their marriage and became greedy. Not only does her husband cheat on Jane, but then marries the mistress and then years later decides he isn't happy with his marriage and realizes that it was all superficial. He starts to see his mistress for what she is a good looking bitchy, insensitive woman, that really doesn't care about his feelings.

It is then that he finally realizes that his ex-wife is a great woman and decides to romance her once again. I still laugh at her face when she wakes up the next morning in the same bed with him. She is filled with disgust, because for her the love is gone and it was just one of those things that an Ex never wants to actually happen. She had moved on, but just lonely at the moment and acted. Yet her husband sees her as the Dream girl she always was and always will be. Unfortunately, I have to say that I can relate with Jane on so many levels.

There was a period in my life when I was a doormat, not in the most extreme sense, but where I was passive and didn't know my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. Yet, after all the drama and bitterness I only grew as a person and learned from the experience, which ironically only made me a better person. Years later I too have received phone calls from my Ex telling me how much he regrets what he did and will do anything for me to take him back and give him another chance. While part of me doesn't believe him, the most important part is that the love is gone. I have moved on, but also choose not to rekindle that flame. Sometimes in life there are time frames for certain things to take place and if they don't happen within that time then they will never be.

A friend once told me that when a spouse cheats on you the betrayal can be compared to that of a rape and it is for that reason that I can definitely relate as to why Jane didn't take her husband back and was so disgusted with having an affair with him. She didn't go back to yesterday's baggage, but started fresh with a new guy, Adam.

My grandma has this saying, "mejor estar sola que mal acompanada". "Better off alone, than in bad company." After all of my life experiences I now understand more than ever. I rather be single than live in an unhappy relationship where there isn't 100% commitment. And just like Jane I too would of chosen Adam, well a much younger cuter version of course.

Envy

As I sat in my cube typing away on a proposal, I received a call from a close friend. Not looking at the caller ID before I answered I was caught off guard when I heard his voice. If it had been any other day last month it wouldn't have mattered, but on this particular I had a serious case of "the No BS mood". Lately, I have been having a hard time recovering from the Costodondritis shots I received early this month and therefore having a really hard time dealing with my disease.
My friend has been going through much drama lately. He started to explain that he has been having several "Episodes". During these "Episodes" he has severe depression moments, which were ignited by a bad break-up. I've tried to be as objective as possible, since I have dealt with many mentally ill people throughout my professional and personal life, but on this particular day I just was not in the mental capacity to speak sympathetically.
As he began to tell his story about how his self esteem was so low that he didn't think he had much to live for. For the most part this young man leads a great life. He makes a decent salary, has a great apartment, new car, no debt, and most of all is very healthy. In fact he is so healthy that he has taken up boxing as a hobby. Therefore as I sat and listened I unconsciously began to become envious of his life. Although I don't like to be envious of people because it eventually leads to bitterness. At this particular moment, I slowly started to create a certain resentment. I started to reflect on my daily pain when I breathe and how sick I feel for no particular reason Slowly I started to feel a little pissed.
At this point in my head there wasn't any room for sympathy, so I just blurred it out!
I told him he was "WRONG"! I began to tell him how difficult my life is just to get to work. I have to sleep nine hours, take expensive medications, vitamins and minerals, get enough daily rest, no stress, no extraneous exercise, take pain shots and see various doctors, which amounts to high medical bills and on and on. He stood quiet, because my list turned into a rant. I know this conversation was supposed to be about him, but I felt a bit a selfishness on his part. I quickly calmed down and began to explain all of the positives in his life, which included that he has it easier than most people.
After my Envious moment, I felt proud that I had it more mentally together despite all of my problems than a "normal" person did. Unlike this person I have accepted my disease and decided to live with it and continue on my quest to live a better life every time. Later on that day, my friend called to thank me. I could here the sadness in his voice. He told me that what I told him earlier helped him realize that he does have a good life and much more to live for. I told him I wouldn't mind living vicariously through him. I asked him to do great things, so I could hear his awesome adventure stories and I apologized if I got a carried away.
My rundown is sometimes keeping it real with people is actually healthier than just agreeing with them or listening to them. I always have and always will keep it real and whenever I feel down I think of how lucky I am compared to others!

Pain Management

As I slowly started to come to, I opened my eyes and saw my sister to my right and looked down and saw tape over my wounds. I asked my sister, "How many shots did they give me, my chest is really hurting?" She said, "Twelve shots." I was surprised but relieved in a way.
About three weeks ago, Dr. Ferrante explained that in order to alleviate some of my chest pain, due to my Costocondritis, he recommended that I get a steroid/local anesthetic shot in my chest. He said this procedure was pretty simple, but had to be done using an X-ray to avoid puncturing my lungs. Since my rheumatologist also recommended this same procedure and I was tired of my chest hurting with every breathe, I immediately agreed. After I spoke with a friend that had the similar injections I grew a little apprehensive after she described the pain and the needles involved in the procedure. Dr. Ferrante explained that I would be under IV sedation, so I wasn't really worried about the pain. I was ready for relief, so it didn't matter.
I had never had an IV or an out-patient procedure done for that matter, so I didn't think the shots were that big of a deal. The day before I received a pre-admission phone call from UCLA Hospital. After I confirmed all of my information and hung up, I became slightly concerned. I started to realize that this procedure was a little more than just a shot. The next morning, I arrived on time to the hospital and filled out my paperwork. The lady at admissions was so serious and cold that I was almost a little leery of what to expect from the hospital staff. Having taken my Mom to the hospital many times, I knew that hospital medical staff weren't usually the best of people, but luckily for me I didn't have Kaiser. As she directed me to the double doors. I looked at my sister with some apprehension and she gave me the same look in return.
As we entered, the two nurses at the counter greeted us with a smile and told us that someone would be right with us. Almost simultaneously, a nurse approached us and asked what I was there for and looked at my paperwork. Immediately a petite middle-aged woman with blonde hair approached us and introduced herself as, "Wendy, my nurse". She immediately directed me to my hospital bed.

On the bed, there was a bag for my belongings with my gown, footies, and head cap. I changed into my hospital outfit and then nurse Wendy immediately brought in two warm blankets. I laid down and she gently wrapped them around me. I was surprised by her caring demeanor, yet she did make many sarcastic jokes along the way, which I thought were hilarious because it did lighten the mood.
After a doctor came in and introduced himself as one of the doctors that would be assisting Dr. Ferrante during the procedure and explained what was going to be done. I knew then that this was just not one shot, but in fact a pretty serious procedure. During all of this we heard loud yells coming from the hallway. Nurse Wendy looked at us and then walked out to see what was going on. She came back chuckling, "That was the doctor announcing he has arrived." "What doctor is that?", I asked. She replied, "your doctor." My sister and I gave each other surprised looks. I didn't know what to expect after that, but everyone was really nice, so I felt comfortable for now.
Nurse Wendy then hooked me up to an IV which was basically painless, beside the fact that she had me in suspense with a 3-2-1 countdown before she put in the needle. She gave me the rope to her call button, which she said she would appear like magic. I was intrigued by her sense of humor and kindness, perhaps because I was not expecting this at all. After waiting 10 minutes, another doctor came in to introduce himself and then a nurse that told me she would be in the room assisting Dr. Ferrante as well. They both told me, "We just want to help your pain go away." I felt a little better about the entire experience.
Twenty minutes later, two doctors came in and told me, "Its your turn." They wheeled me into the operating room, then moved me to the steel bed. As I lay there, I realized that there were six doctors and two nurses in the room, I really started to get apprehensive. Suddenly a nurse yelled, "Timeout". Then the other nurse said, "We're not ready for timeout". I thought that was funny because I didn't even know what timeout was. They fixed my gown to make the incision area accessible. Then the nursed yelled, "Timeout!" The other nurse and doctors froze. They started to ask my my name, verified my information and procedure. So that was Timeout, I was found that to be very thorough on the hospital's part, but so extreme that it was funny to me.
The doctors sterilized the area and hooked me up to the monitors. As I looked up to see my lungs in the x-ray machine, I noticed one of the nurses injecting my IV. I asked her what she was giving me and she replied with a sly look, "Something to relax." Just then Dr. Ferrante injected started to inject my clavicle bone. It hurt so much but then after I knocked out. I was so confused when I awoke, because I could see the doctors wheeling me back to the room where my sister was. I asked her what happened. She said I had been talking to the nurse the whole time. I started to laugh because I remember, but like a dream.
I received 12 shots that day, but in the name of pain, I was willing to take some for the team. Even though my bruises and injections sites look ugly, I had great doctors and nurses and that makes everything better. Having a courteous medical staff surprised me, since I was used to watching my Mom's and Grandma's nurses during the many times they were hospitalized and how inconsiderate and insensitive they were towards the patients. I think I received pretty good treatment. My rundown is that sometimes that caring hand during a uncomfortable experience is sometimes the only thing that carries the patient through. For a patient in a gown and feeling vulnerable is already an embarrassing experience, that the last thing they need is a mean nurse giving them a hard time. Thanks UCLA staff, I hope this helps my pain.

Its just the flu Yesi!

About a month ago while walking past my coworker's office I noticed he was really pale. I knew he had the flu since Monday, but now Wednesday he looked worse. I told him that maybe he should go home, since he didn't look well. He said he was okay and was going to work through it. I didn't think much of it since I had been feeling well for quite some time now. Yet, by Thursday I started to feel tired and by Friday it hit me. The next week when another coworker had to call in sick I gave my coworker, Mr. M, the evil eye. Jokingly, I told him he got us all sick. He responded, "It was just the flu, Yesi!"

Not getting any better I went to the doctor. During the exam the doctor jokingly told me, "First he goes to Hawaii, and then he gets you sick. Don't you just hate him?" She was referring to my sick coworker. I just laughed and agreed to a slight degree. After discussing my situation with another doctor they were gravely concerned since for us Lupus patients having flu symptoms is not a good sign. Highly concerned he ordered an x-ray of my lungs because he he wanted to make sure I didn't have pneumonia. When he said this, I felt a little scared. I didn't realize that my simple flu could get that bad. I started to regret not taking Vitamin C to boost my immune system sooner. Luckily the results were normal. I was so relieved because the last thing I would want was pneumonia.


Perhaps I spoke too soon, because even though my lungs didn't have any fluid, I started to feel even worse. Extreme fatigue, swelling, and severe pain; sadly, these symptoms were all to familiar. My evil eye to Mr. M, which started as a joke was now almost true. Starting to feel this sick succumbed me to think back to over a year ago, when was the last time I experienced a Lupus flare. While Mr. M was now better than ever as if nothing ever happened, my body on the other hand was on slow downward spiral. Moments such as these give me a slight feeling of envy. Not only are most people able to bounce back from a flu quickly, but they are able to lead normal lives in the process.

For us Lupus patients it is not that easy, while our immune systems are sensitive not only because of the disease, but also because of all of the medication we need to take; the worst part for us besides all of this is that we have to deal with the mental anguish of having to put our lives on hold to recover. While I have mentally learned how to deal with my pain, the tough part is that I have to force myself to rest and cancel all of my plans. Unlike Mr. M's simple flu which he can work through going about his day even though he is spreading all of his germs in the process, it is just physically impossible for me to do that. Simple things like walking or getting out of bed are daily painful tasks, but getting the flu virus exacerbates my entire situation.


Dealing with envy is simple for me, but at times I do admire "normal" people and I appreciate those days when I come close to feeling that way. That is why I enjoy every moment and spend my time wisely, since my physical activities are limited. This has me made me sensitive to those around me that are sick and I sympathize with them and try to help if possible. My rundown is that if you do feel sick with something as simple as the flu, take a day off of life not only to get better but also so you prevent spreading your germs to those around you that might not be as lucky as you in the recovery process, because for some of us, its just not as simple as the Flu.

Bittersweet

Walking into the crowded boardroom, I began to notice there were several empty seats along the wall. As I started to walk towards them, I happen to stand in front of JLL's CEO. Naturally, this was a good coincidence since I've been wanting to meet this British fellow, especially after this week's events. So as I shook his hand I almost wanted to ask him directly if I was still going to have a job next week, but I held back and introduced myself. During his inspirational and uplifting speech, about how well our company was doing in the US and worldwide despite the ever failing market, I had a stream of mixed emotions run through my mind. If an outsider was hearing this speech they would have never known that 150 people were laid off earlier that week.

Massive layoffs, store closures and bankruptcy is all too familiar these days and working in the real estate industry, I've heard how entire departments exist one day and are gone the next. Yet, perhaps since my company was hiring so many people many of us did not expect massive layoffs to happen so close to home. Catching everyone by surprise, 150 people lost their jobs on Tuesday at my company. Many of these people had dedicated many years of service and even though in the back of their minds they were expecting layoffs they never thought they would be let go in the most humiliating way.

While covering the front desk three weeks ago, I noticed that HR was in town and was meeting with a co-worker in a conference room. Ten minutes later she walked out in tears; she had been fired. I was stunned and saddened, but in retrospect I can say that she was lucky and was laid off in a decent manner. I think this is at the very least the way someone should find out that they have lost their job. So on Tuesday when I asked my supervisor how she felt, she said that the reason why she reacted so emotionally was because of the way she was informed of the bad news.

Monday night my supervisor received an email inviting her to attend an important conference call Tuesday morning. Leaving late that night after a long work day, she did not expect anything negative about the conference call or the idea of being laid off had not crossed her mind especially since recently her workload had been doubled. The next day after I attended a "Broker kickoff", (which was an upsetting event), I received an email from my coworker telling me that our supervisor had been "let go". I was in shock and troubled. We were all stunned. If anything we expected to be "let go" before our superiors. Later I heard that the conference call my supervisor was invited to was in fact held by the head of her department telling her, "they were letting her go." After she called her boss she found out that they had laid her off as well and all of the administrative department for that matter. "The End", she didn't get a meeting with HR or even a "thank you for all your years of service". That is all she got. Later that day we heard that other people were simply just shut out of their computers and when they called to inquire about their problem they found out they had been laid off. (Absolute dismay.) Yesterday we received an email informing the rest of the staff about the "workforce reduction" that had happened on Tuesday. After reading the two paragraph explanation. I thought it was simply heartless.


So as I sat at the "CEO's Round Table" event this morning, I started to wonder who else was next to be sacrificed to pave the way for the company's survival during this recession, so the "Suits" could keep their stock options and fat salaries. Even though I'm a believer in survival of the fittest, I still think that employees deserve respect and courtesy. Most of the employees have dedicated their lives to this company and I my rundown is that they deserve at least a simple, "thank you". We have no idea how those 150 people are doing and we won't since they "no longer exist" in our company. In the news more and more you hear horrible stories of suicide by people in desperation. Obviously, after witnessing how employees are being laid off, I can understand the madness.

"Move with the cheese and enjoy it!" - Spencer Johnson