After going to my rheumatologist for so many years, I have been able to familiarize myself with her staff. On this particular visit, I noticed that there was a new attending nurse, and as I walked past a computer, the screensaver was the picture of the previous nurse. When Dr. Taylor came into my room I asked her what happened to the previous young lady. She said that she had died of a seizure in her sleep. Dr. Taylor further explained that the young woman had gotten a seizure in the past but just dismissed it and never got tested or medication. She left behind a baby boy and husband. Dr. Taylor was sad and told me she attended the funeral. The young nurse will be missed but ironically after the funeral work went on as usual with a temp quickly filling her position.
The sad true fact is that everyone is replaceable at least in the business world. During my first major flare of Lupus four years ago I learned that simple fact the hard way. As much as I worked above and beyond and was on-call 24/7 for my prior boss in the end it didn't matter because all though the work stress induced my symptoms, my boss never acknowledged me ever again. All the pain, sweat, and sacrifices I did for the her and her company didn't matter because even though it helped my disease flare up for the first time I was quickly replaced and never received a get well card or a phone call from my boss. Forever since then I realized that only those that truely love you and are dear to you will miss you when you are gone. Most workaholics don't acknowledge this fact and work and work devoting themselves to a machine in which the only benefit is a paycheck, because in the end the owners or business leaders are the ones that benefit from the profits.
There are those that love their job and they may be the exception, but in the end they are replaceable as well. I recently flared and had to take a leave of abscence to take care of myself. I know now that my health comes first and if don't take care of myself no one else will and even though my supervisors were upset they will not understand how it is to live with Lupus until they step in my shoes and maintaining a corporate job in which I have already been replaced is not my priority.
Even though the job market is tough out there, my rundown is that if I keep working when my body is flaring and inducing my stress I will only get worse and might cause my Lupus to attack other parts of my body. I'm an independent go-getter but not I've learned that sometimes success isn't measured by materialistic items and in my case its I am able to defeat this disease and all of its symptoms.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Saturday, September 4, 2010
All you need is love....
Watching the the palm trees sway in the calm breeze out of the window, I was reminded of Kauai. As I looked around the Tommy Bahama’s restaurant I got a sense of relaxation. It gave me a nostalgic feeling of being carefree that I felt every time I was in the Hawaiian paradise. Almost enthralled in the feeling, I almost forgot that I was far away from paradise, but instead in Las Vegas in 108 degree weather. As I continued to enjoy the chill mode, I sat and listened to my friend describe her unhappy marriage. Nodding in disbelief, I suddenly remembered that only two years ago I was in Hawaii for her wedding and now ironically she was talking about divorce. After hearing her story of how issues that existed in the beginning are now worse with no compromise from her husband, my mind came to a halt when she asked, “What do you think?”
I was caught off guard, but I started to try to give her a rational point of view. She had tried everything and had sacrificed her life for the past two years without any reciprocation. I told her to do whatever makes her happy and brings her out of her depression. Coming to realize that giving advice to a married woman can be detrimental to the friendship, I gave her a disclaimer. I told her that I have experienced all aspects of life and hit rock bottom many times, so to me happiness is key and following my heart and soul is important. Despite all of my issues especially physically, I awake every morning excited about what the day will bring. I feel a sense of happiness in my life, despite the pain and fatigue, because life always throws unexpected turns. Even though I did yearn for a partner I did not regret any past love decisions, so if she was going to make a decision such as divorce she had to do what was in the best interest of her and forgiver herself along the way.
I was somewhat humbled that she would want my opinion, but she did want a rational opinion, so I tried to giver her one. She was torn between two paths and sometimes that feeling is horrible, because choosing a path is part of the process, so sometimes tearing yourself from bad habits which could be relationships can be difficult. "But I fucken love him!" Well in the aspect of love I feel that your partner should bring out the best in you, not pain and sorrow. It is in these cases that I find it hard to understand why people torture themselves. For a Lupi like me feeling physical pain is tormenting enough, so the simplicity of saying no to negative relationships comes a little easier, yet life is not always cut and dry so sometimes saying no isn't an easy act to do and I know that first hand as well.
In an effort to bring my ideas into perspective, I started to tell her about one my lost loves. A good guy, but on a quest to pursue his dream and find himself. Even though he wanted to have me as his wife he was not willing to include me in his dream or life plans. I loved him still, but I did not want to come in the way of any one's dream. When someone is trying to find himself they need their space, so as much as this guy wanted me there, I felt it was enabling, especially since I had to sacrifice my life to follow him as he pursued his dream. Besides these flaws he of course could not communicate so following a mute is definitely not something I envision for myself. At 30 and as a learned person I had to bid him farewell as he began his journey even though it caused heartache.
As the memories of lost loves started to come to the surface, I remembered the most recent lost love. Although I really liked him because he was a good guy with great qualities, his selfishness was definitely a turn-off. I was attracted to his eccentricity and intelligence, but his anti-social behavior and his love for the Maryjane left no room for me. His reluctance to compromise was something I had no interest in dealing with. It is bad enough that I have issues, I have to compromise with in my body, that dealing with someone that refuses to let his guard down and let me into his heart is definitely a battle I refuse to fight. Even though I was a bit torn, I had to just say no.
In the end the facts are that finding someone is not difficult, but finding that person that will let you into their heart and include you in all aspects of his life is key. For my friend even though she was married, her life was parallel to her husband's with no middle ground. He was not interested in participating in any activities that included her tastes or passions and she was not happy. I was saddened since I was there when they vowed to each other, but I think she was carrying the marriage on her own and that burden is much to bear. I believe that it is okay to say no to situations that bring out the worst in you no matter what they are. I believe life is great and blissful with so much to offer. We must do the most we can with what we are given because when life is over there aren't any do-overs.
I was caught off guard, but I started to try to give her a rational point of view. She had tried everything and had sacrificed her life for the past two years without any reciprocation. I told her to do whatever makes her happy and brings her out of her depression. Coming to realize that giving advice to a married woman can be detrimental to the friendship, I gave her a disclaimer. I told her that I have experienced all aspects of life and hit rock bottom many times, so to me happiness is key and following my heart and soul is important. Despite all of my issues especially physically, I awake every morning excited about what the day will bring. I feel a sense of happiness in my life, despite the pain and fatigue, because life always throws unexpected turns. Even though I did yearn for a partner I did not regret any past love decisions, so if she was going to make a decision such as divorce she had to do what was in the best interest of her and forgiver herself along the way.
I was somewhat humbled that she would want my opinion, but she did want a rational opinion, so I tried to giver her one. She was torn between two paths and sometimes that feeling is horrible, because choosing a path is part of the process, so sometimes tearing yourself from bad habits which could be relationships can be difficult. "But I fucken love him!" Well in the aspect of love I feel that your partner should bring out the best in you, not pain and sorrow. It is in these cases that I find it hard to understand why people torture themselves. For a Lupi like me feeling physical pain is tormenting enough, so the simplicity of saying no to negative relationships comes a little easier, yet life is not always cut and dry so sometimes saying no isn't an easy act to do and I know that first hand as well.
In an effort to bring my ideas into perspective, I started to tell her about one my lost loves. A good guy, but on a quest to pursue his dream and find himself. Even though he wanted to have me as his wife he was not willing to include me in his dream or life plans. I loved him still, but I did not want to come in the way of any one's dream. When someone is trying to find himself they need their space, so as much as this guy wanted me there, I felt it was enabling, especially since I had to sacrifice my life to follow him as he pursued his dream. Besides these flaws he of course could not communicate so following a mute is definitely not something I envision for myself. At 30 and as a learned person I had to bid him farewell as he began his journey even though it caused heartache.
As the memories of lost loves started to come to the surface, I remembered the most recent lost love. Although I really liked him because he was a good guy with great qualities, his selfishness was definitely a turn-off. I was attracted to his eccentricity and intelligence, but his anti-social behavior and his love for the Maryjane left no room for me. His reluctance to compromise was something I had no interest in dealing with. It is bad enough that I have issues, I have to compromise with in my body, that dealing with someone that refuses to let his guard down and let me into his heart is definitely a battle I refuse to fight. Even though I was a bit torn, I had to just say no.
In the end the facts are that finding someone is not difficult, but finding that person that will let you into their heart and include you in all aspects of his life is key. For my friend even though she was married, her life was parallel to her husband's with no middle ground. He was not interested in participating in any activities that included her tastes or passions and she was not happy. I was saddened since I was there when they vowed to each other, but I think she was carrying the marriage on her own and that burden is much to bear. I believe that it is okay to say no to situations that bring out the worst in you no matter what they are. I believe life is great and blissful with so much to offer. We must do the most we can with what we are given because when life is over there aren't any do-overs.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Erica
Pale skin, short hair, and modelesque fashion sense, characterized the most free-spirited person I had met when I was 24 years old. I always looked at her with awe, since she was so opposite of me at the time. Even though she is no longer roaming the planet, her memory always stays with me. In those days I was the complete opposite of free spirited. I had a stable job as supervisor of a dental office, a boyfriend, a steady social life, but in retrospect my life was pretty bland. I was so focused on the finances and career that I forgot about the happiness and fun in life. Even my appearance was pretty bland. I wore blues and greys, didn't wear make-up only when I went out, was frugal with my accessories and my hair. Even though to some this might not seem as a big deal, but my persona inside was quite contrary. As the eldest child, I have always been responsible and a conservative thinker when it came to finances and risks. I never even conceived of changing my thinking or lead a life like Erica. At 20 years old, one day she was modeling, the next day she was a receptionist and she always had an idea for her next move. Even after she passed away we learned that she had just enlisted in the Navy about a month earlier. Even though that was an extreme life style, she was very happy with life and lived every moment according to her terms.
Putting it all in retrospect it all came down to one question she asked me in 2003, before she died that provided for that pivotal moment for me to question the way I was living my life at the time. My boyfriend at the time was always working late hours and we had been together for 5 years. One night while hanging out with my brother and Erica, she asked me, "Where is your boyfriend?" I answered, "At work." Then Erica responded, "then why are you with him, you should leave him." At the time I was a little confused, since I loved him and never thought about breaking up with him. I thought to myself, how easy to say that. We had been together for so many years and there was much invested in our relationship that I didn't think of leaving him. But what I didn't know then which I know now is that life is really that simple. It wasn't until Erica passed away and other life changing events that followed, that I realized that happiness should play an important role in your decision making. Because the truth was that I really wasn't happy at the time, just content.
I will never forget Erica. She gave me that fundamental question that is indeed so simple and true. I have some friends that are in relationships, careers, living circumstances that are not working for them, but yet they stay "there". I understand, because I too was "there" at one point in time, but I learned to do as I want versus do as others think or live life to please others. I now live life to please myself and then take the ideas of others (important to me) into consideration. This might sound selfish, but I think everyone with a goal or a need should do things for themselves one way or another. Although there are extremes in anything, it is not good to take advantage of others, but turning away those opportunities that don't benefit you is what makes this idea simple.
Life has thrown me several curve balls, but this idea has made it easier to come out of the hole when I hit rock bottom. At the end of the day it is what works for me and what I want out of life. What I do want is to laugh, enjoy and share my life with others. Now, after living with Lupus for 3 1/2 years I have really learned to appreciate this idea, because during the tough times, it helps simplify my decisions. I have so many limitations that I didn't have at 24 years old, but I do and enjoy so much more. My rundown is that you should find what works for you and you should do it. What others say or think could be taken into consideration, but in the end of it all you have the right to live life on your terms, because sometimes by worrying about others and your surroundings will prevent you from taking the risk to do what you want. And that will make things all too unnecessarily complicated.
Putting it all in retrospect it all came down to one question she asked me in 2003, before she died that provided for that pivotal moment for me to question the way I was living my life at the time. My boyfriend at the time was always working late hours and we had been together for 5 years. One night while hanging out with my brother and Erica, she asked me, "Where is your boyfriend?" I answered, "At work." Then Erica responded, "then why are you with him, you should leave him." At the time I was a little confused, since I loved him and never thought about breaking up with him. I thought to myself, how easy to say that. We had been together for so many years and there was much invested in our relationship that I didn't think of leaving him. But what I didn't know then which I know now is that life is really that simple. It wasn't until Erica passed away and other life changing events that followed, that I realized that happiness should play an important role in your decision making. Because the truth was that I really wasn't happy at the time, just content.
I will never forget Erica. She gave me that fundamental question that is indeed so simple and true. I have some friends that are in relationships, careers, living circumstances that are not working for them, but yet they stay "there". I understand, because I too was "there" at one point in time, but I learned to do as I want versus do as others think or live life to please others. I now live life to please myself and then take the ideas of others (important to me) into consideration. This might sound selfish, but I think everyone with a goal or a need should do things for themselves one way or another. Although there are extremes in anything, it is not good to take advantage of others, but turning away those opportunities that don't benefit you is what makes this idea simple.
Life has thrown me several curve balls, but this idea has made it easier to come out of the hole when I hit rock bottom. At the end of the day it is what works for me and what I want out of life. What I do want is to laugh, enjoy and share my life with others. Now, after living with Lupus for 3 1/2 years I have really learned to appreciate this idea, because during the tough times, it helps simplify my decisions. I have so many limitations that I didn't have at 24 years old, but I do and enjoy so much more. My rundown is that you should find what works for you and you should do it. What others say or think could be taken into consideration, but in the end of it all you have the right to live life on your terms, because sometimes by worrying about others and your surroundings will prevent you from taking the risk to do what you want. And that will make things all too unnecessarily complicated.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Love Everlasting
An ailing husband with lung cancer that has mestisized throughout his entire body lays in bed coughing as if his entire insides are going to be expunged. At his bedside his wife, which not only takes care of him, but also has to watch him die a slow miserable death. There were many happy times in their marriage, but before he got this bad, he made her promise that she would not let him loose his dignity. Now at his bedside, she remembered this after the coughing echoed in her head. She sadly started to inject him with morphine, until he overdosed and died. This was the scene from one of the recent episodes of "Mujeres Assesinas". Sadly, she was eventually accused of murder.
Earlier that day before I sat to watch this episode. I was discussing the similar situation with my friend. Her friend had just passed away from cancer, but her husband seemed like he had been waiting for it for weeks, so to outsiders he seemed insensitive about her death and relieved. But how does a husband or wife deal with their spouse dying? Having a chronic illness myself, it sometimes is hard to bring my problem into another person's life. I feel that they have to accept me as a package, because there will be moments where the road will get tough to deal with, but like most adults I would like to make an attempt to live a so called "normal" life, so I think that mutual love will make things easier and tolerable.
I learned this from watching my grandparents as a child. The last memories I have of my grandpa is of him paralyzed from the right side and my grandma taking care of his every need. Since the day he decided to court her to the day she had to help him shave they loved each other immensely. He was paralyzed for many years and when my grandpa eventually passed away, it was tough on my grandma, but I know she did the best she could for him. At 10 years old I actually understood this and I always admired the way my grandma spoke to him and handled him with care. Their love was of the old fashioned kind and my grandma was a very caring woman. 20 years later, my grandma lives without my grandpa, but I know that she has never forgotten their love.
This is the type of love that is everlasting, so that is why I take the institution of marriage very seriously, because it will get tested along the way. As a Lupus patient, I know that my life can be overwhelming because of my everyday issues and so I believe that my partner will have to have the same strength as I have, to deal with me everyday. This is much to ask from someone, but it is reality. Like the woman in Mujeres Assesinas, love will be tested in one form or the other. Yet, I can not judge her because I don't know how I will react when I'm put in that situation. So my Rundown is that sometimes before diving into marriage we need to take a step back and evaluate the whole picture, because it is a very important decision that will follow you for the rest of your life.
Earlier that day before I sat to watch this episode. I was discussing the similar situation with my friend. Her friend had just passed away from cancer, but her husband seemed like he had been waiting for it for weeks, so to outsiders he seemed insensitive about her death and relieved. But how does a husband or wife deal with their spouse dying? Having a chronic illness myself, it sometimes is hard to bring my problem into another person's life. I feel that they have to accept me as a package, because there will be moments where the road will get tough to deal with, but like most adults I would like to make an attempt to live a so called "normal" life, so I think that mutual love will make things easier and tolerable.
I learned this from watching my grandparents as a child. The last memories I have of my grandpa is of him paralyzed from the right side and my grandma taking care of his every need. Since the day he decided to court her to the day she had to help him shave they loved each other immensely. He was paralyzed for many years and when my grandpa eventually passed away, it was tough on my grandma, but I know she did the best she could for him. At 10 years old I actually understood this and I always admired the way my grandma spoke to him and handled him with care. Their love was of the old fashioned kind and my grandma was a very caring woman. 20 years later, my grandma lives without my grandpa, but I know that she has never forgotten their love.
This is the type of love that is everlasting, so that is why I take the institution of marriage very seriously, because it will get tested along the way. As a Lupus patient, I know that my life can be overwhelming because of my everyday issues and so I believe that my partner will have to have the same strength as I have, to deal with me everyday. This is much to ask from someone, but it is reality. Like the woman in Mujeres Assesinas, love will be tested in one form or the other. Yet, I can not judge her because I don't know how I will react when I'm put in that situation. So my Rundown is that sometimes before diving into marriage we need to take a step back and evaluate the whole picture, because it is a very important decision that will follow you for the rest of your life.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Mr. Nice Guy
As I walked into the hot steamy club at Nationals Sports Bar, I realized it had been awhile since I had been in this type of scene in the South Bay and I definitely felt under dressed, but then again not really. I was awed at how they converted this sports bar into a crazy 18 and over night club. I know this might sound pompous, but as I looked around the place it seemed a little ghetto and I knew this place was going to be a hilarious experience. Tailgating since 9am in the morning, now 11pm my legs and I were pooped and weak. I let my friend drag me here because it was her birthday and since she's a Mom she doesn't get out much, so I had to remind myself why I was here quite a few times. She wanted to come to this particular club because my her husband's friends and brother, "Mr. Nice guy", were going to be here. She previously had told me about Mr. Nice Guy and how it would be nice if we would hang out and it was then that I knew she was playing matchmaker. Sometimes married couples feel that two nice people should belong together and although it might be true, I believe that being a friend with someone and dating them are sometimes two very different things, and that's why I'm not too open to the matchmaking experience, but in this case since it was her birthday I didn't want to say anything just yet and tried having an open mind about the situation. Especially since I knew that they had definitely discussed me with him as well. At least the guy was cutesy and in his mid-thirties, but I later learned these were the only two good qualities.
Almost immediately, I was approached by a gangster type guy and so I went with the flow and let him "rap" to me so I wouldn't create an enemy so early in the night. I thought he was pretty hilarious and so I wouldn't hurt his feelings I took his number, but of course did not save it. The cherry on top came when he made the finger phone to his ear and mouth and told me to call him with a wink. I wanted to laugh so hard, because I had just met "the smooth operator".
When we finally found the husband's friends I noticed that they were lined up against a rail, watching the young girls dance, which is pretty typical at a club, but I was surprised when Mr. Nice Guy didn't approach me to say hello, especially since he wanted to "hang out with me and get to know me". I just smiled and said to myself "strike one". I would never want to hang out with someone that's not into me.
Since I would be driving myself home I decided not to drink but by this time I needed a drink really bad. I headed to the bar and bought my friend and I a drink. When we returned I finally said hello to Mr. Nice Guy. Afterwards my friend's husband and Mr. Nice Guy left to the bar and came back with three drinks. Apparently Mr. Nice Guy bought a round of drinks but forgot about me and the only reason I realized this was because he said, "Oh I forgot you were there..." I wanted to laugh so hard. Not only did he forget the girl that he was trying to hook up with, but then didn't have the common sense to keep that fact to himself. I knew then why this guy ended up with the wrong ladies and how he was definitely seeing the world through tunnel vision, "Strike two". The "idiot" type of guy is definitely not my type. The matchmaking experience didn't get any better, he then returned to the rail to watch the slutty dance of the young girls. I just chuckled inside, when some young girl started to freak him, while he just stood there on the rail. He didn't try to do small talk, ask me to dance, or even look my way, and well folks that would be "strike three".
The music at the club was not that great and I was asked to dance by someone in Mr. Nice Guy's group, since I was talking to my friend I told the guy, a.k.a. Sober, "maybe later". The then managed to pull me to the dance floor, in order to avoid further embarrassment I just danced. Sober, was clueless as to why I didn't want to dance with him, since he was not drunk or doesn't drink at all, he didn't understand why I was not interested in him. I was amazed at his feeling of entitlement that he was at an advantage to be liked and accepted because he didn't consume alcohol. I understood the logic in a club, but by no means does this give him the right to pull me by the arm and snatch my purse from the other. As much as a tough girl as I am I was a little freaked, because I had just met this guy.
I couldn't believe how clueless these Sober and Mr. Nice Guy were or was it that I'm used to hanging around places where guys aren't so aggressive and women don't have to beg for attention. Either way I reminded myself that I was here for my friend and took a deep breath.
Finally the end came and my friend was ready to leave. On our way out, Mr. Nice Guy gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I smiled nervously because I definitely didn't know where that came from. He then told me that he wanted to hang out with me and that I shouldn't be so quiet. I said "Yeah sure lets definitely hang out sometime..." At that point I knew that to go on a date with this guy would definitely be stooping really low. I rather go to dinner with myself. I don't know if he was an idiot or just not into me or both.
I always wondered why "Nice" guys ended up getting their hearts broken or why they were involved in bad relationships with bitches, but after meeting one of these "nice" guys and I now understand why they are either single or date the wrong women. Mr. Nice Guy might be an awesome nice guy, but when it comes to women he does not know how to play his cards right and if he ever wants to date a decent mature woman he will have to learn somehow, but lucky for him I've given up my teacher role.
My rundown is that married couples sometimes have a different perspective on life, because unlike us single people, they have found what they are looking for. Even though married couples have the best intentions in mind and they want others to find the same, sometimes two single nice people just don't belong together because they are just not each others type. I'm in my Thirties, so I pretty much know what I want and don't want in a relationship, because I've been there and done all of that, so I don't deal with BS. That could be the reason why I'm single, but I am determined to find true love. Some might call me a dreamer, but I know its out there and wasting my time with supposedly nice guys which are clueless about dating or pursuing women is not an option for me. Nice guys are great and awesome, but not all of them are datable.
Almost immediately, I was approached by a gangster type guy and so I went with the flow and let him "rap" to me so I wouldn't create an enemy so early in the night. I thought he was pretty hilarious and so I wouldn't hurt his feelings I took his number, but of course did not save it. The cherry on top came when he made the finger phone to his ear and mouth and told me to call him with a wink. I wanted to laugh so hard, because I had just met "the smooth operator".
When we finally found the husband's friends I noticed that they were lined up against a rail, watching the young girls dance, which is pretty typical at a club, but I was surprised when Mr. Nice Guy didn't approach me to say hello, especially since he wanted to "hang out with me and get to know me". I just smiled and said to myself "strike one". I would never want to hang out with someone that's not into me.
Since I would be driving myself home I decided not to drink but by this time I needed a drink really bad. I headed to the bar and bought my friend and I a drink. When we returned I finally said hello to Mr. Nice Guy. Afterwards my friend's husband and Mr. Nice Guy left to the bar and came back with three drinks. Apparently Mr. Nice Guy bought a round of drinks but forgot about me and the only reason I realized this was because he said, "Oh I forgot you were there..." I wanted to laugh so hard. Not only did he forget the girl that he was trying to hook up with, but then didn't have the common sense to keep that fact to himself. I knew then why this guy ended up with the wrong ladies and how he was definitely seeing the world through tunnel vision, "Strike two". The "idiot" type of guy is definitely not my type. The matchmaking experience didn't get any better, he then returned to the rail to watch the slutty dance of the young girls. I just chuckled inside, when some young girl started to freak him, while he just stood there on the rail. He didn't try to do small talk, ask me to dance, or even look my way, and well folks that would be "strike three".
The music at the club was not that great and I was asked to dance by someone in Mr. Nice Guy's group, since I was talking to my friend I told the guy, a.k.a. Sober, "maybe later". The then managed to pull me to the dance floor, in order to avoid further embarrassment I just danced. Sober, was clueless as to why I didn't want to dance with him, since he was not drunk or doesn't drink at all, he didn't understand why I was not interested in him. I was amazed at his feeling of entitlement that he was at an advantage to be liked and accepted because he didn't consume alcohol. I understood the logic in a club, but by no means does this give him the right to pull me by the arm and snatch my purse from the other. As much as a tough girl as I am I was a little freaked, because I had just met this guy.
I couldn't believe how clueless these Sober and Mr. Nice Guy were or was it that I'm used to hanging around places where guys aren't so aggressive and women don't have to beg for attention. Either way I reminded myself that I was here for my friend and took a deep breath.
Finally the end came and my friend was ready to leave. On our way out, Mr. Nice Guy gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I smiled nervously because I definitely didn't know where that came from. He then told me that he wanted to hang out with me and that I shouldn't be so quiet. I said "Yeah sure lets definitely hang out sometime..." At that point I knew that to go on a date with this guy would definitely be stooping really low. I rather go to dinner with myself. I don't know if he was an idiot or just not into me or both.
I always wondered why "Nice" guys ended up getting their hearts broken or why they were involved in bad relationships with bitches, but after meeting one of these "nice" guys and I now understand why they are either single or date the wrong women. Mr. Nice Guy might be an awesome nice guy, but when it comes to women he does not know how to play his cards right and if he ever wants to date a decent mature woman he will have to learn somehow, but lucky for him I've given up my teacher role.
My rundown is that married couples sometimes have a different perspective on life, because unlike us single people, they have found what they are looking for. Even though married couples have the best intentions in mind and they want others to find the same, sometimes two single nice people just don't belong together because they are just not each others type. I'm in my Thirties, so I pretty much know what I want and don't want in a relationship, because I've been there and done all of that, so I don't deal with BS. That could be the reason why I'm single, but I am determined to find true love. Some might call me a dreamer, but I know its out there and wasting my time with supposedly nice guys which are clueless about dating or pursuing women is not an option for me. Nice guys are great and awesome, but not all of them are datable.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Its Not That Complicated....
After hearing postive feedback from many of my friends, I finally decided to watch "Its Complicated". I was leery due to the fact that I knew it had to do about cheating spouses. But I was surprised at how hilarious it was, yet unlike most of my friends I loved the ending. I related to Meryl Streep's character, Jane, on so many levels. She went from "Dream girl to Doormat to Dream girl" and didn't even know it.
Dream girl, because her husband saw her that way when they got married, then doormat because that's when her husband started taking advantage of her and cheating on her. And then Dream girl again, because it was at that pivotal moment when her husband saw her in a new light, like when they had first met. But the lesson here is that she never changed, she always was that hardworking, smart, edgy, classy dream girl, except she only changed in her husband's eyes, when he lost faith in their marriage and became greedy. Not only does her husband cheat on Jane, but then marries the mistress and then years later decides he isn't happy with his marriage and realizes that it was all superficial. He starts to see his mistress for what she is a good looking bitchy, insensitive woman, that really doesn't care about his feelings.
It is then that he finally realizes that his ex-wife is a great woman and decides to romance her once again. I still laugh at her face when she wakes up the next morning in the same bed with him. She is filled with disgust, because for her the love is gone and it was just one of those things that an Ex never wants to actually happen. She had moved on, but just lonely at the moment and acted. Yet her husband sees her as the Dream girl she always was and always will be. Unfortunately, I have to say that I can relate with Jane on so many levels.
There was a period in my life when I was a doormat, not in the most extreme sense, but where I was passive and didn't know my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. Yet, after all the drama and bitterness I only grew as a person and learned from the experience, which ironically only made me a better person. Years later I too have received phone calls from my Ex telling me how much he regrets what he did and will do anything for me to take him back and give him another chance. While part of me doesn't believe him, the most important part is that the love is gone. I have moved on, but also choose not to rekindle that flame. Sometimes in life there are time frames for certain things to take place and if they don't happen within that time then they will never be.
A friend once told me that when a spouse cheats on you the betrayal can be compared to that of a rape and it is for that reason that I can definitely relate as to why Jane didn't take her husband back and was so disgusted with having an affair with him. She didn't go back to yesterday's baggage, but started fresh with a new guy, Adam.
My grandma has this saying, "mejor estar sola que mal acompanada". "Better off alone, than in bad company." After all of my life experiences I now understand more than ever. I rather be single than live in an unhappy relationship where there isn't 100% commitment. And just like Jane I too would of chosen Adam, well a much younger cuter version of course.
Dream girl, because her husband saw her that way when they got married, then doormat because that's when her husband started taking advantage of her and cheating on her. And then Dream girl again, because it was at that pivotal moment when her husband saw her in a new light, like when they had first met. But the lesson here is that she never changed, she always was that hardworking, smart, edgy, classy dream girl, except she only changed in her husband's eyes, when he lost faith in their marriage and became greedy. Not only does her husband cheat on Jane, but then marries the mistress and then years later decides he isn't happy with his marriage and realizes that it was all superficial. He starts to see his mistress for what she is a good looking bitchy, insensitive woman, that really doesn't care about his feelings.
It is then that he finally realizes that his ex-wife is a great woman and decides to romance her once again. I still laugh at her face when she wakes up the next morning in the same bed with him. She is filled with disgust, because for her the love is gone and it was just one of those things that an Ex never wants to actually happen. She had moved on, but just lonely at the moment and acted. Yet her husband sees her as the Dream girl she always was and always will be. Unfortunately, I have to say that I can relate with Jane on so many levels.
There was a period in my life when I was a doormat, not in the most extreme sense, but where I was passive and didn't know my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. Yet, after all the drama and bitterness I only grew as a person and learned from the experience, which ironically only made me a better person. Years later I too have received phone calls from my Ex telling me how much he regrets what he did and will do anything for me to take him back and give him another chance. While part of me doesn't believe him, the most important part is that the love is gone. I have moved on, but also choose not to rekindle that flame. Sometimes in life there are time frames for certain things to take place and if they don't happen within that time then they will never be.
A friend once told me that when a spouse cheats on you the betrayal can be compared to that of a rape and it is for that reason that I can definitely relate as to why Jane didn't take her husband back and was so disgusted with having an affair with him. She didn't go back to yesterday's baggage, but started fresh with a new guy, Adam.
My grandma has this saying, "mejor estar sola que mal acompanada". "Better off alone, than in bad company." After all of my life experiences I now understand more than ever. I rather be single than live in an unhappy relationship where there isn't 100% commitment. And just like Jane I too would of chosen Adam, well a much younger cuter version of course.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Envy
As I sat in my cube typing away on a proposal, I received a call from a close friend. Not looking at the caller ID before I answered I was caught off guard when I heard his voice. If it had been any other day last month it wouldn't have mattered, but on this particular I had a serious case of "the No BS mood". Lately, I have been having a hard time recovering from the Costodondritis shots I received early this month and therefore having a really hard time dealing with my disease.
My friend has been going through much drama lately. He started to explain that he has been having several "Episodes". During these "Episodes" he has severe depression moments, which were ignited by a bad break-up. I've tried to be as objective as possible, since I have dealt with many mentally ill people throughout my professional and personal life, but on this particular day I just was not in the mental capacity to speak sympathetically.
As he began to tell his story about how his self esteem was so low that he didn't think he had much to live for. For the most part this young man leads a great life. He makes a decent salary, has a great apartment, new car, no debt, and most of all is very healthy. In fact he is so healthy that he has taken up boxing as a hobby. Therefore as I sat and listened I unconsciously began to become envious of his life. Although I don't like to be envious of people because it eventually leads to bitterness. At this particular moment, I slowly started to create a certain resentment. I started to reflect on my daily pain when I breathe and how sick I feel for no particular reason Slowly I started to feel a little pissed.
At this point in my head there wasn't any room for sympathy, so I just blurred it out!
I told him he was "WRONG"! I began to tell him how difficult my life is just to get to work. I have to sleep nine hours, take expensive medications, vitamins and minerals, get enough daily rest, no stress, no extraneous exercise, take pain shots and see various doctors, which amounts to high medical bills and on and on. He stood quiet, because my list turned into a rant. I know this conversation was supposed to be about him, but I felt a bit a selfishness on his part. I quickly calmed down and began to explain all of the positives in his life, which included that he has it easier than most people.
After my Envious moment, I felt proud that I had it more mentally together despite all of my problems than a "normal" person did. Unlike this person I have accepted my disease and decided to live with it and continue on my quest to live a better life every time. Later on that day, my friend called to thank me. I could here the sadness in his voice. He told me that what I told him earlier helped him realize that he does have a good life and much more to live for. I told him I wouldn't mind living vicariously through him. I asked him to do great things, so I could hear his awesome adventure stories and I apologized if I got a carried away.
My rundown is sometimes keeping it real with people is actually healthier than just agreeing with them or listening to them. I always have and always will keep it real and whenever I feel down I think of how lucky I am compared to others!
My friend has been going through much drama lately. He started to explain that he has been having several "Episodes". During these "Episodes" he has severe depression moments, which were ignited by a bad break-up. I've tried to be as objective as possible, since I have dealt with many mentally ill people throughout my professional and personal life, but on this particular day I just was not in the mental capacity to speak sympathetically.
As he began to tell his story about how his self esteem was so low that he didn't think he had much to live for. For the most part this young man leads a great life. He makes a decent salary, has a great apartment, new car, no debt, and most of all is very healthy. In fact he is so healthy that he has taken up boxing as a hobby. Therefore as I sat and listened I unconsciously began to become envious of his life. Although I don't like to be envious of people because it eventually leads to bitterness. At this particular moment, I slowly started to create a certain resentment. I started to reflect on my daily pain when I breathe and how sick I feel for no particular reason Slowly I started to feel a little pissed.
At this point in my head there wasn't any room for sympathy, so I just blurred it out!
I told him he was "WRONG"! I began to tell him how difficult my life is just to get to work. I have to sleep nine hours, take expensive medications, vitamins and minerals, get enough daily rest, no stress, no extraneous exercise, take pain shots and see various doctors, which amounts to high medical bills and on and on. He stood quiet, because my list turned into a rant. I know this conversation was supposed to be about him, but I felt a bit a selfishness on his part. I quickly calmed down and began to explain all of the positives in his life, which included that he has it easier than most people.
After my Envious moment, I felt proud that I had it more mentally together despite all of my problems than a "normal" person did. Unlike this person I have accepted my disease and decided to live with it and continue on my quest to live a better life every time. Later on that day, my friend called to thank me. I could here the sadness in his voice. He told me that what I told him earlier helped him realize that he does have a good life and much more to live for. I told him I wouldn't mind living vicariously through him. I asked him to do great things, so I could hear his awesome adventure stories and I apologized if I got a carried away.
My rundown is sometimes keeping it real with people is actually healthier than just agreeing with them or listening to them. I always have and always will keep it real and whenever I feel down I think of how lucky I am compared to others!
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