During a conversation I had with a coworker at my usual daily hangout, my cubicle, she described how a relative of hers defined love as pain and suffering and that it was best to stay away from it to avoid future heartbreak. I disregarded the conversation since I didn't agree. Later that day I received a phone call from an old guy friend and during our conversation on "catching up with our lives" he decided to share his perspective on marriage, because he had found a new theory. Since earlier that day I had already heard a pessimist view, I hesitantly listened to him. He told me he was an avid listener of Tom Leykis and he totally agreed on Leykis's views about marriage. Tom Leykis advices his listeners against marriage because he sees it as more or less unnecessary. Leykis says that he does whatever he wants with his life because he is not married and feels that all men should "protect" themselves and not get married, because it is all downhill after that. This almost made me chuckle, because being a veteran of a broken heart myself I know how to smell bitterness about a mile away. My broken heart was mended eons ago and so even though I too have experienced that pain and suffering my coworker was talking about it was soon mended when I realized that the love in the relationship was not mutual and that I had to move on.
Yet, coincidentally, that weekend while hanging out with a friend, she too began to share her views of marriage. She viewed marriage as just a unnecessary contract. While, I did agree with her on the fact that if two people are in love, a piece of paper should not validate their commitment to each other, I don't agree that marriage should be discounted all together. What about the vows that are made during marriage; "For richer or for poorer, through sickness and health, etc...?"
I'm thinking that perhaps everyone was missing the point and the bigger picture. Or is it that I am just a dreamer? But lets just say that their theory is true, could it be that all of the millions of people that get married every Saturday or elope to Vegas are just wasting their time and not being logical in their actions, since after all according to Tom Leykis it will all go to the dumps after that. Or could it really be that people that don't believe in marriage haven't found true love or mended their broken hearts? I'm leaning more towards this theory.
I'm thinking this debate can go on forever, but I do know that all the people that I know that are married are happy together. They describe marriage as a devotion they have made to each other and that they instantly knew that their significant other was the "one" almost right away. While they do agree that marriages consist of much compromise and effort from both parties, they are happy with their choice of getting married, because after all they are in love with each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together.
My rundown is that this makes more sense to me. While I must admit that at times I don't agree with all the hoopla of marriage, like matron of honor, ring bearers and so forth. I do believe in the idea that when you find that special someone that you fall in love with and picture growing old together than marriage is that ultimate promise you make to one another and things will work themselves out after that, because the feeling is mutual. I think that when love is mutual a commitment like marriage will not be an issue and will come effortlessly. Perhaps, if you truly don't believe in marriage you will never marry, but for all of those who do believe in putting that promise to one another on paper than I wish you happy hunting for your perfect match!
1 comment:
A thoughtful post. I stumbled across it looking for comments on Leykis. I'm a regular listener, but not a "student". Leykis' position is the logical conclusion if you are starting with his foundational beliefs. He says that there is no benefit to a man in getting married.
But he also believes that there is no God, there is nothing wrong with casual sex and it is worth any risk a man takes by engaging in it. Also, he's never wanted to have children.
Yes, someone can avoid some pain by never getting married. You can also avoid getting run over by a bus by never leaving your home. The difference is, if you marry, you are more likely to get divorced than you are likely to ever get hit by a bus because you go outside.
Marriage HAS become riskier for men and less rewarding. Vows are easily broken all of the time with impunity. Marriage, legally, only guarantees two things: 1) The spouse who earns more, which is usually the man, will pay the other spouse money should there be a divorce. 2) Any child born to the woman will be considered the husband's by default, especially for child support purposes. This is so even if it can be proven she's been having an affair.
So, there are certain obligations a man is required by law to take when he marries, while the benefits he gets from marriage are largely intangibles that are in no way guaranteed.
I am happily married, but I do not think my wife is typical of the majority of today's women, and I strongly advise men against marriage unless certain conditions are present. Unlike Leykis, I believe in God, that sex is for marriage, and I wanted children.
My blog: http://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com
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